Give
Imagine you are fifteen years old, sitting in your first driver’s ed class. The instructor spends the entire hour listing everything you shouldn’t do: Don’t speed. Don’t run red lights. Don’t text. Don’t tailgate. Then, he hands you the keys and says, “Good luck!” You would leave that room with plenty of warnings but zero actual wisdom on how to drive safely or navigate the road. You would know how to avoid disaster, but you’d have no idea how to arrive at a destination.
Too often, we have approached marriage and sexual intimacy the same way. We emphasize the boundaries, which are necessary and good, but we stop there. We provide a list of “don’ts” instead of casting a beautiful, biblical vision for what marital intimacy is actually designed to be. It is time we stop focusing only on what to avoid and start learning how to thrive in the marriage God intended.
When we look at Genesis, we see that intimacy is not just a physical act; it is a profound spiritual and emotional state. In Genesis 4:1, the Bible says, “Adam knew Eve his wife.” That word “knew” (yada in Hebrew) is about so much more than physical interaction. It implies a deep, transparent connection. Think of it as “into-me-you-see.”
God created us in His image, and because of that, we are designed for connection. Physical intimacy in marriage is meant to be the overflow of the spiritual and emotional closeness you build on an ordinary Tuesday. If you are struggling to connect in the bedroom, it is rarely just a physical problem. Often, it is a symptom of a drought in your emotional or spiritual life. You cannot expect to be vulnerable and open physically if you aren’t actively choosing to be open and honest in the rest of your relationship.
For too long, some parts of the church have treated sex as something inherently dirty or merely a duty for reproduction. But when you read the Song of Solomon or the blessing in Proverbs 5, you see something different: celebration, delight, and joy.
Your marriage is meant to be a living, breathing picture of the gospel. Just as Christ sacrificed Himself for the church, husbands are called to love their wives with that same self-giving, nail-pierced heart. When we prioritize mutual honor, we treat our spouse not as a means to an end, but as a person of infinite dignity made in the image of God. True intimacy is when you can say to your spouse, “The way you love me reminds me of Jesus.”
If your marriage feels more like being roommates than soulmates, don't lose heart. You don't arrive at a great marriage by accident; it is the fruit of intentional daily choices. Here are a few ways to start shifting the dynamic today:
Prioritize non-sexual touch: If the only time you touch is when you’re initiating sex, you’re missing out. Hold hands, offer a lingering hug, or rub their shoulders after a long day. This builds a baseline of physical safety and affection that isn't transactional.
Communicate your longings: Life is noisy and busy. Take the pressure off by simply saying, “I miss you. I want to connect with you.” It breaks the silence and invites your spouse back into your world.
Seek help if you're stuck: If there is physical or emotional pain, or if you feel a wall has been built between you, don't try to power through it alone. Bringing in a trusted, gospel-centered counselor is a sign of strength, not failure.
Marriage is a journey of learning to love someone who is different from you, even as you both grow and change over the years. You aren’t the same person you were when you said “I do,” and that’s a good thing. As you learn to lean on Jesus for your ultimate sense of worth and security, you will find you have more to give to your spouse.
Watch the full sermon here.
